I Was Said to Be an Embarrassment

I had been a housewife for ten years. Every day, I delivered lunch to my husband, Jackson Holloway, at his workplace. One day, it stormed heavily when I delivered his lunch. I said I would wait in the lobby and leave once the rain lightened up. Jackson frowned. “How will it look if you just sit there? It looks bad in front of my colleagues.” “But it’s raining too heavily.” “Leave quickly. If people see you looking like such a wretch, I’ll be so embarrassed.” He pushed me toward the exit. Right then, his colleague walked past and asked, “Hey, is this your wife?” Jackson’s expression changed. He coughed dryly and said, “No, this is my cousin. She’s just dropping by.” After that, he tossed me an umbrella and said quietly, “Leave now, and don’t make trouble for me.” I was soaked through in the downpour. After ten years of making and delivering lunch to him, Jackson told his colleagues that I was just his cousin. That afternoon, I took the two kids and moved into a rented apartment. That night, Jackson called to shout at me, but I only said, “Since I’m your cousin, it wouldn’t be right for me to stay with you, would it?” Chapter 1 Jackson Holloway’s voice was urgent and worried on the other end of the line. “What’s the meaning of this, Cerise? Did you really run off with our children in the middle of the night because of that little thing this afternoon? “Do you have any idea how hard it is at work? My colleagues and higher-ups were all there. Do you know how embarrassing it was for me that you sat in the lobby in that get-up?” I stood by the window of my rented apartment and looked at the drizzle outside. “That little thing?” My voice was calm. “You think that was just a small thing, Jackson?” “I only told you to go home. It couldn’t have been raining that hard. You can survive a little rain. Was it so bad that you had to run off with our kids?” Jackson’s voice got louder and louder. “Come back immediately! Stop throwing a tantrum. It’s honestly embarrassing.” I looked down at my ring finger. After ten years of marriage, I was still wearing the silver ring he had bought me for our wedding. Back then, he said he would get me a gold one once his finances improved. I had waited ten years for that to happen. I would not have to wait any longer. “I’m not going home. Get ready for a divorce, Jackson.” A stunned silence hung for a beat, then Jackson sputtered out a laugh. “What nonsense is this? Divorce? Have you gone mad, Cerise?” “I’m perfectly sane.” I turned around, put my back to the cool glass, and regarded the cramped apartment. The two children were squeezed together on the small bed. They slept soundly. The younger one was clutching his teddy bear tightly that he had brought from home. “You said I was your cousin. Well, it isn’t right for your cousin to live in your house with her children, is it? Isn’t this what you wanted?” “You’re really doing this because of what I said? Get a grip, Cerise! I was only trying to smooth things over with my colleagues. Are you really going to take something I just said that seriously?” “Something you just said…” I parroted and burst out in laughter. “Did you consider my feelings when you said that, Jackson? You know very well why I’ve ended up this way.” “What do you want, exactly?” “I told you. I want a divorce.” “Alright then, you witch!” Jackson’s voice was icy. “I’m warning you, Cerise Snowden. Don’t you try coming back after leaving like this. Don’t come crying back to me after this.” Chapter 2 I hung up on him. At some point, the rain outside grew heavier and began pounding against the window. I put my phone on silent and stood there for a long time. A cold draft slipped through the frame and sent a chill through me. I was not like this ten years ago. Back then, I had just graduated from college and found a decent job in my hometown. My parents worked good jobs. We were not very rich, but we had a comfortable life. Jackson had come to town on a business trip, and we met through a friend. We dated for a year before I followed him to this northern city. In the beginning, my parents did not approve of my choice. They were worried that I would be taken advantage of. In the end, they could not dissuade me and agreed to let me marry Jackson. The day I left my hometown, Mom cried so hard that she could barely speak. At the train station, Dad said, “Come home if things get bad. I can still afford to take care of you.” I hugged my mother, chuckled, and told them not to worry. I told them that Jackson treated me well and that I would be fine. Indeed, Jackson treated me well at the start. During the early days of our marriage, he felt bad seeing me commute to work every day. Because of that, he saved three months’ salary to get me a Vespa. I told him that I did not need one, but he told me that his wife had to have the best. Then, he got a promotion and his work got busier. He got a stomach ulcer that only kept worsening. I quit my job to cook for him because I loved him so much. I spent every day cooking healthy, balanced, and tasty meals for him. To make sure I made it in time for his lunch, I carefully packaged everything and rode my Vespa for twenty minutes to bring it to his office. At the beginning, he tried to talk me out of doing it, saying that it was too much work. I told him that it was not that hard for me and that I felt better knowing that he was eating what I cooked for him. After that, I kept doing it for the next ten years. In that time, I gave birth to a son and a daughter. I lost my figure and did not get it back. I put all my thoughts and effort into the family. I cooked for him, raised the kids, and managed the household chores. There was no time left to dress up or care about how I looked. Besides, it was not like I had anywhere to go where I needed to dress myself up. The most expensive makeup I had was from before I got married. It had expired long ago. It was not like I never noticed myself getting older. I would be taken aback sometimes when I saw the fine lines at the corners of my eyes and the whites in my hair. But I would convince myself that we were a family, and Jackson did not care how I looked since he appreciated all I did for him. For the past ten years, I would make lunch and leave promptly to deliver it to him. I rarely ever stayed long at his office. At least, that was true until this afternoon. It had been raining. It was practically storming. I had wrapped the food container with my raincoat, securing it under three layers of protection. But I was sodden through. By the time I got to Jackson’s office building, my pants were wet all the way up to my thighs. My hair stuck to my face even as water kept dripping down. I thought I could go up and wait a while for the rain to slacken before leaving. It really was only for a little while. Instead of worrying that I might catch a cold, Jackson only cared that I was embarrassing him. When I came back to myself, I looked at the card in my hand. There was $150,000 in the account. Jackson had given me that money as a wedding gift. Mom had told me to save it, reminding me that it was important for a woman to have some money of her own, just in case. I had never touched this money, not even when things were bad at home. I sat by the bed in a daze. My thoughts were all over the place. I tried to focus, but nothing would stay in my head for long. Chapter 3 After some time, I finally stood up and walked into the bedroom. The kids were squeezed into the tiny bed and sleeping soundly. My younger son, Lionel Holloway, was four years old and liked having something to hold in his sleep. The teddy bear he had brought from home was misshapen from the way he clutched it every night. My older daughter, Lila Holloway, was eight, and she slept in wild positions. Her leg was draped over Lionel. I moved her leg gently off of him and tucked the blanket more securely around them. Lila turned over and muttered in her sleep. It sounded like she was calling for me. Tears stung my eyes, and I quickly went back outside. I wanted to call my mother. I keyed in her number before I deleted it again. It had been eleven years. Eleven years ago, I had sworn to my parents that I would be fine. How worried would they be if I called them in the middle of the night, telling them I had walked out with my children and was getting divorced? I decided against it. Tomorrow, I would come up with something. Then, I buried my face in my pillow. The next few days passed quite calmly. In the morning, I sent the kids to school before returning home to clean up a bit. For lunch, I made something simple, then headed out for groceries in the afternoon. Once I got back, I made dinner. My daily routine suddenly slowed down, and I was not used to having so much time on my hands. Back when I lived with Jackson, I was busy all day long. I would make him lunch and take it to him. Between cleaning and organizing everything around the house, I always felt like there were not enough hours in the day. However, I did not have to cook for Jackson anymore. Suddenly, I had a lot of free time, and I did not know what to do with it. Sometimes, I just sat there and daydreamed. I could do that for half the day. Jackson did not come looking for me. He did not even call. After hanging up that first night, he called many times. But after I rejected all the calls, he stopped trying. I did not know what he was thinking. Maybe he was waiting for me to go crawling back to him. But I would not do that. I did not want to give him the satisfaction. For the past ten years, I had always given in after every fight, no matter who was at fault. I would not do that again. On the fifth day, Lila asked when we were going home. I told her that we were already home. She said no and asked about going home to her father. I did not know what to tell her, so I said that Jackson had gone on a business trip. We would make a decision once he returned. On the sixth day, Lionel got a fever. I carried him to the hospital. It took the whole day. By the time we got home, it was already dark. Lila was starving as she slumped over the desk, doing her homework. When she saw me come in, she immediately threw herself in my arms. “You’re finally home, Mom! I’m so hungry.” I made her some pasta, fed Lionel his medication, and took his temperature. It was only after they both went to sleep that I realized I had not yet eaten. There were some leftovers in the freezer. I heated it and ate it. As I ate, tears streamed down my face and dropped onto my plate. I was not crying because I was tired. It was because I recalled something. Jackson had never taken me to the hospital when I fell sick. He was always busy and said he could not leave work. I always had to take a cab. Once, I had a high fever, but I still cooked for him before going to see a doctor. He said he was not used to eating outside food because he only ever ate my cooking. Back then, I thought that made perfect sense. Thinking about it in the present, I found it absurd. The next morning, Lionel’s fever broke. I sent them both to school. At the school gates, I saw Jackson’s car. He leaned against the car door and smoked. When he saw me coming over, he put out the cigarette. Lila and Lionel ran over to him. “Dad! Dad!” Jackson leaned down to hug them. After he exchanged a few words with them, Lila turned to look at me before pulling Lionel inside. Once they were in the building, Jackson walked over to me. “Cerise…” he said. He stood before me and gave me a once-over. “Where have you been staying the past week? How are the kids?” “Is something the matter? If not, I’d like to leave.” “Stay right there.” Jackson grabbed me by the arm. “What are you doing, Cerise? You don’t come home, and you don’t answer my calls. What do you want?” I looked at his hand. “Let go.” Jackson let go but did not move away. “Tell me, do you have someone else?” Chapter 4 I was surprised for a moment. Then, I let out a laugh. I looked at him and said, “You’re the one who seems to have found someone else. Am I correct, Jackson?” Jackson’s face darkened. “What nonsense are you spouting?” “I’m not spouting nonsense. Since we’re both here, let’s go to City Hall and get divorced.” Jackson’s face only got darker. “Are you nuts, Cerise? Are you really going to do all this because of such a small thing that happened that day?” “‘A small thing’?” I said. “I’ve been delivering lunch to you for ten years, Jackson, but you said I was your cousin. Do you know what I was thinking in the rain on the way home? I was wondering what the past ten years were for.” “It was something I said in the moment.” “I was in the rain at that moment. Ten years, Jackson! I cooked for you for ten years, but you can’t even acknowledge me as your wife.” Jackson did not say anything. “Let’s get a divorce. Let’s just let this go.” “I won’t get a divorce.” Jackson turned away. “When I married you, Cerise, I spent every cent I had on your wedding gift and the house renovations. That all took money, you know. How can you ask for a divorce just like that?” I looked at him, suddenly feeling like he was a stranger. Was this really the man I had been living with for ten years? “Sure. Then, if we can’t have a divorce, we should at least go our separate ways. I won’t come home, and you won’t come looking for me. We won’t bother each other.” “Cerise!” I ignored him and walked away. After taking a few steps, I turned to look back. Jackson was still standing in place, looking in my direction. But he did not chase after me. The next day, I wanted to go to Jackson’s house to get some things. I needed to get the kids’ winter clothes and some documents. I had left them behind when I left in a rush that night. Knowing that Jackson would not be home as he was working during the day, I chose to go over at about 2 p.m. My key still worked. As I twisted the doorknob, my hand shook just a bit. There was a half-eaten frozen meal on the dining table, and the trash can was filled with takeout boxes. It had only been a few days, but Jackson was eating only takeout. I went upstairs to pack some things in the bedroom. Lila and Lionel’s clothes were in the bottom drawer. I sat down and took the clothing out one by one. I heard an engine out the window. Jackson’s car had stopped outside. He sat in the driver’s seat, and there was someone in the front passenger seat. It was a woman. I could not see her face clearly, but I could tell that she was young. She had long hair and wore a red coat. Jackson and the woman leaned very close together. The woman reached out to touch his face. I was flabbergasted and clenched my phone tightly. It was a shocking revelation for me. Jackson really had a mistress. My next impulse was to take some photos. I clicked on my camera app, zoomed in, and took several photos. One had them close together and talking. Another one showed her touching his face. In another picture, Jackson turned to her and laughed. After taking the photos, I put my phone away and kept packing. When I left, Jackson’s car was still parked in the same place. I went over and knocked on the car window.