The Daughter They Tried to Keep Small

My whole family treated me as a stepping stone for my little brother. Even after I grew up, I was expected to pave the way for him. My dad jabbed a finger in my face. “He’s the only boy carrying on our family name! What’s wrong with helping him out?” I cut off their living allowance for the month. Their precious only son must be pretty amazing, right? Surely he could earn enough to support them. When I was six, Mom finally got pregnant with my little brother. Grandma was so happy that she finally let Mom eat at the table with everyone else. All the best dishes were set in front of Mom. It was the first time she’d ever been given such special treatment. She tried to put some food on my plate, too, but Grandma blocked her fork. “Martha, you’re pregnant. You need the extra nourishment. Claire’s just a little girl. She doesn’t need that much.” Mom gave her a meek smile and said nothing more. Before they knew for sure that the baby was a boy, Dad and Grandma had been so anxious that they brought in a fortune-teller. “Don’t worry,” the woman said. “This one won’t be another girl draining your money. You’re getting an heir!” Dad and Grandma instantly relaxed. They saw her off with huge smiles and a generous cash tip. Seven months later, Mom’s belly had grown round. I curled up against it to sleep, the way I always had when I was little. Dad walked in and kicked me right off the bed. He’d been drinking, and he was furious. “You little brat! Trying to crush my son, huh?” Mom heard me crying and tried to get up to help me, but Dad slapped her. She didn’t dare move after that. Neither did I. Nobody dared cross Dad when he was drunk. A little over a month later, Mom gave birth to my brother. I thought his arrival would make life easier for Mom and me. Instead, Mom changed. She used to walk around our little rural town with her shoulders hunched. Now she carried my brother everywhere, her face glowing with pride. Everyone said she’d done her husband proud. A son and a daughter—the perfect family. Mom held her head even higher. We grew plenty of watermelons at home. Mom brought in the smallest one for my brother, then handed me what he’d left. There was only a thin strip of flesh clinging to the rind. “Claire, this is the sweetest part. No seeds, either.” I stared at that unfamiliar smile on her face, confused and lost. I was in elementary school then. My brother wasn’t even a year old, and he often cried through the night. After working all day, Dad would lose his temper whenever he couldn’t sleep. He kicked Mom and told her to take the baby and get the hell out. She looked hurt, but she didn’t dare refuse. I felt hurt, too. I hated seeing her treated that way. But she told me, “Claire, you need to be more understanding. Men get tired after working all day. We women shouldn’t make things harder for them.” “But without us, they wouldn’t even get a hot meal. Shouldn’t he be grateful?” Mom couldn’t answer. After a long silence, she sighed and lay down. Once my brother was a little older, Mom started going out to work with Dad. All the housework fell to me. After my last class, I hurried home to boil water and make dinner. Before I could do my homework, I had to feed the chickens and ducks. When my parents came home, I washed their dirty clothes. But I was too young to get everything clean. Grandma complained, “You’re useless. Look at this laundry! At your age, I could do everything.” “If you could do everything, why don’t you do anything now?” I snapped. “All you do is criticize.” Furious, Grandma complained to Dad that Mom hadn’t raised me right. I got another beating. Everyone in my family thought I was clumsy and stupid. None of them knew I was the smartest kid in town.When it was time to start middle school, I scored first in my entire school. My grades qualified me for the best school in the county. Dad didn’t understand what that meant. He only asked, “So you’d have to board there?” I said yes. “Then what the hell’s the point?” he exploded. “If you live at school, what happens here? Who’s going to cook and wash the clothes? Why do you only think about yourself?” “Grandma’s still here, isn’t she?” He slapped me. “Grandma? That’s all you ever say! What can she do at her age?” Yet just the night before, I’d seen her line dancing with her friends at the edge of town for hours. Dad refused to pay the boarding fees, so I couldn’t go. A few years later, my brother’s scores weren’t high enough for that same school. Mom spent ages explaining to Dad how important education was. Dad gritted his teeth, called in favors, and paid tens of thousands of dollars to get him in. I cried with rage at how unfair it was and went to confront Mom. “What good would all that schooling do you?” she said. “You’ll get married anyway. Why waste the money?” For the first time, I felt truly disappointed in her. My throat tightened until it hurt. She’d spoken up for my brother because she believed every girl’s life should end up just like hers. Marriage. Always marriage. If even my parents had no hopes for me, why was I trying so hard? I slipped into depression. My senior year was approaching, but my grades plummeted. Even my teachers didn’t know how to help. Then one day, I ran into my cousin Emily on the street. She lay on the ground, her swollen belly jutting out, a shocking pool of blood beneath her. I froze. People gathered around and carried her into a battered van to rush her to the hospital. “How did she slip like that?” someone said. “Seven months along. I wonder if they can save the baby.” “Whose wife is she? How old is she?” “The younger Stone boy’s wife. Just turned twenty. They married last winter… Heard she fought it tooth and nail. Her father practically shoved her into the car…” My ears rang. I couldn’t stop seeing the blood beneath her. In the end, they couldn’t save her baby. The next time I saw Emily, her belly was flat and her eyes were sunken. She sat numbly on a stone bench. The moment she saw me, she cried. “Claire, my baby’s gone. How am I supposed to keep living?” “Being born into a family like this… all we do is suffer.” “Claire, please don’t end up like me…” It felt as if someone had struck me over the head. The backpack on my shoulders suddenly seemed heavy enough to crush me. Would that be me in three years? Married off to bear someone’s children? In that moment, I finally understood. If I wanted to break out of this cage, education was my only way.I went home that night and didn’t sleep. I took out all my recent tests and went over them again and again… After that, no matter how exhausting or difficult studying became, I never complained. Through those days when no one supported or encouraged me, I kept going on my own. Finally, June passed, and my final exam results came out. Tears slid down my face as I stared at those high scores. I’d made it. For once, life had given me a break. My parents asked, “How’d you do?” “Really well.” They seemed happy, too. At dinner, Dad told my brother, “If your sister can get into college, you’ll definitely get into one of the best in the country, Caleb. What are those places called again…?” “Harvard. Yale,” Mom chimed in happily. “Those fancy schools back East!” Dad seemed to be looking straight into his son’s glorious future. He had a couple of extra drinks that night. I was the one who’d earned a place in college, but all he could talk about was how his son would make it to the Ivy League. His good mood didn’t even last three days. A local kid getting into college should have been something to celebrate. Instead, people grew jealous. They’d congratulate us to our faces, then turn around and ask what good college did a girl. She’d only end up married with children anyway. Dad hated hearing it, but he also thought they had a point. Four years of tuition would cost tens of thousands. Better to save it for my brother’s future wedding and home. My brother fanned the flames. “Seriously, Claire, college is useless for a girl. And it costs so much.” I swallowed my anger and said nothing. That night, Mom came to my room. “Claire, we really can’t afford to put two children through college. If you spend that money now, what will be left for your brother?” “Your dad and I talked. You won’t be going. Once things settle down, I’ll find someone to introduce you to. I like that young Miller boy from the next town. The mayor’s son. Handsome, too…” “Mom!” I shouted. “Have you ever thought about me? Even once?” She froze and fell silent. Things at home turned ugly. Dad raged that he wouldn’t pay a penny toward my tuition. I was afraid he wouldn’t even give me bus fare when it was time to leave. After worrying for days, I secretly called Emily for help. I started crying as soon as she answered. She told me not to panic. The manager where she worked was hiring summer help. I should come try. It was a barbecue restaurant in town, the sort of place people with money went to eat. The manager took one look at my shabby clothes and shook his head. “No. She looks awful. Our staff at least need to look presentable.” It felt like a slap. My face burned. Emily begged him to give me a trial shift. He hesitated, then agreed. Once he saw that I worked fast, learned quickly, could handle the register, and knew how to cook, he reluctantly let me stay for two months. All my parents knew was that I got up at four in the morning and came home at ten at night. They knew I had a job, but not where. So I never expected to run into them at the restaurant one day.