When I Forgot How to Love You

I deliberately left my lace panties on my uncle’s bed. I had always been secretly in love with him—the man who ruled our city’s mafia. When I was drunk, I would melt into his arms and act spoiled. I would find excuses to visit his study in sexy pajamas. At a ball, I would deliberately slip off my bra, just to hear his breathing grow heavier. But every time, he stopped himself and pushed me away. Then, during a game of Truth or Dare with my friends, I lost. My dare was to text “I love you” to the contact pinned at the top of my messages. My heart pounded. My pinned contact was the man I had loved for years. My uncle. After I sent it, the typing indicator appeared and disappeared, but no message came through. Two hours later, he finally replied: [Enough. I’m getting married soon. Stop testing me like this.] Then he blocked me and told his assistant he no longer needed updates about me. The guards stopped letting me into the Blackwood estate. “Mr. Blackwood said you’re an adult now. You’re no longer allowed inside.” Even when I happened to cross his path, he would immediately turn and walk away. But he didn’t know I had cancer. I was running out of time. I didn’t speak to him again until three days before his wedding. That was also when I was finally allowed back to pack my things. I hadn’t been gone long, but the place already felt almost unrecognizable. Three months after my uncle, Adrian Blackwood, blocked me, his fiancée, Vanessa Sterling, moved into the main house. The Sterlings ran illegal casinos and money-laundering operations on the north side. The Blackwoods controlled port logistics and private security. Both families wanted control of the docks, and a marriage alliance was the simplest solution. Everyone at the estate was preparing for the wedding. The cherry blossoms I loved in the greenhouse had been replaced with her favorite white roses. Even the linen tablecloths I liked in the living room had been swapped for matte silk. I wasn’t allowed inside the main house. I could only use the side entrance to reach the guest wing at the back. A guard raised his arm when he saw me. “Mr. Blackwood said you’re not allowed in the main house.” Used to it by now, I nodded and went around to the side entrance. I kept my head down as I returned to my room to pack. Footsteps sounded behind me. Adrian looked me up and down, frowning. “Remember, you’re only here for the wedding. Don’t do anything you shouldn’t, and don’t upset her.” A dull ache spread through my chest. So the only reason he was willing to speak to me was to issue a warning. “I understand. I even prepared a—” He frowned and cut me off. “Enough. Just don’t cause a scene at the wedding. Remember, I will always be your uncle. Nothing more.” He glanced around my half-empty room and added, “Are you moving out? There’s no need. I can have someone buy you another set of everything.” It felt as if a thousand tiny needles had pierced my heart. I forced a smile and shook my head. “No need, Adrian. I won’t be… coming back to stay much anymore.” The truth was, it wasn’t that I wouldn’t come back often. I would never come back at all. And my belongings weren’t being sent to another home nearby. They had already been shipped to Iceland. Dr. Harris had arranged for me to see a lung cancer specialist in Reykjavík. In three days, on the day Adrian and Vanessa married, I would leave this place for good. Whether the surgery succeeded or not, I would stay in Iceland forever. Everyone at the estate was busy with wedding preparations. The lavender in the greenhouse had been neatly trimmed, and Vanessa’s favorite white roses filled the living room. I had just finished packing and stepped into the corridor when I heard Vanessa’s voice. “So this is the girl the Blackwoods have been keeping for all these years?” She stood at the living room doorway in a sharply tailored white suit, a glass of wine in her hand. Her gaze swept over me as if I were a piece of old furniture. “The Blackwoods paid the settlement after your parents’ accident. They’ve paid for everything you eat, wear, and use. Adrian even arranged your schooling. Now that he’s getting married, what are you planning to give him?” Before I could answer, she smiled again. “As long as it isn’t another ‘I love you.’ Adrian hates that.” Someone in the living room chuckled. The servants lowered their heads, and the guards looked away. I tightened my grip on the bag of medication in my hand until my knuckles turned white. Adrian sat on the couch, looking through the wedding schedule. Without raising his head, he said flatly, “Vanessa, enough.” She shrugged. “I’m just stating facts.” Only then did Adrian look at me, his gaze indifferent. “Lily, go rest in the guest wing.” As though allowing me to stay the night were an act of extraordinary generosity. But I no longer needed it. “No, Adrian. I’d rather stay somewhere else.” With that, I turned to leave. Behind me, Vanessa added, “Oh, I had that old photograph in the living room put away. Having a memorial photo out before a wedding is bad luck.” I stopped. It was the photograph of my parents.I turned back. Adrian had already lowered his head to the wedding schedule, as if he hadn’t heard a thing. “Adrian,” I said, my voice tight. “That’s my parents’ photograph.” His hand paused over the page. He frowned slightly, as though I were making trouble at an inconvenient time. “Put it away for now. We can bring it back out after the wedding.” Vanessa held her wineglass and smiled faintly. “You heard him. Put it away. Or were you hoping it would give you an excuse to come back?” I stood there with something lodged in my chest. I wanted to speak, but my throat began to itch, and I couldn’t stop myself from coughing twice. Vanessa immediately frowned and took half a step back. “Don’t pretend to be sick to get sympathy before the wedding. That won’t work on this family.” “Vanessa.” Adrian’s tone sharpened a little, but only a little. He looked at me with suspicion and warning in his eyes. “If you don’t feel well, go to your room. Don’t stand here coughing.” His gaze pierced me like ice. He was probably worried I would act out again and do something to hurt his fiancée. I looked away, toward the greenhouse outside. Years ago, Adrian had planted cherry trees for me himself. “If Lily likes them, we’ll plant a whole grove,” he had said. Now another woman’s presence had covered every trace of that. “Adrian,” I asked softly, “what flowers does Vanessa like?” “White roses.” The answer came instantly. Then suspicion entered his eyes. “Why are you asking?” “I wanted to give you both a wedding gift.” His expression darkened, and he waved me off. “Don’t bother. She has everything she needs.” I lowered my head and smiled bitterly. Right. I had forgotten again. Why would a wealthy heiress like her need a gift from me? Neither of us spoke. Silence spread between us. The night breeze was chilly, and I shivered without thinking. Ever since I’d gotten sick, I had become unusually sensitive to the cold. “Adrian, I’m a little tired. I’m going back to my room.” I turned away. I could feel his gaze following me until the guest wing’s door shut between us. When I woke up the next morning, my memory was blank. Dr. Harris had told me the lung cancer had spread to my brain. I would start forgetting things. I had forgotten how, when I was little, Adrian always found a way to grant even my wildest wishes. Once, just because I said I wanted to see a real castle, he bought land in the hills above Bayport and built a replica of a European castle. I had also forgotten that I had seen firsthand what he was like when he cherished someone. With him beside her, of course Vanessa would want for nothing. But all I wanted… was to do one small thing to repay him for raising me. I had even forgotten every word Vanessa had said to humiliate me the day before. Only when my phone displayed “Two days until departure” and “Today’s to-do list” did I remember what I was supposed to do. In the end, I removed every trace of myself from the estate. That afternoon, I took my cough medicine early and went to see Julian Bennett, the man Adrian had chosen for me to marry. Since I had decided to leave, I shouldn’t waste anyone else’s time. I told him honestly about my illness and my decision to seek treatment in Iceland. Surprise flashed in Julian’s eyes, followed by genuine sympathy. “Does Adrian… know?” I thought carefully, then shook my head. “I don’t think so. And please… don’t tell him.” Julian promised to keep my secret. Then I took out a document, handed it to him, and asked him to look it over. When he opened it, shock spread across his face.“You’re transferring all the shares your parents left you in their shipping company to Adrian? This is practically your entire inheritance!” I felt calm about it. “My parents also left me a trust fund. It’s enough to cover my treatment. And there’s a house here they left me. I’ll give it to you to make up for this.” “I’m… never coming back.” “As for the shares, think of them as my way of thanking Adrian for taking care of me all these years. I caused him a lot of trouble when I didn’t know any better.” Feelings were strange. Something that had once hurt so deeply could now leave me perfectly calm. Suddenly, I remembered how devastated I had been by Adrian’s coldness six months earlier. I remembered what he had said. “Lily Hayes, can you have a little self-respect? You’re so damn annoying.” At the time, those words had cut into my heart like a knife. Now, remembering them, I barely felt a thing. Maybe this illness wasn’t only taking pieces of my memory. Maybe it was taking the feelings that had burned too fiercely, the pain I had thought I could never forget, and… the deep, forbidden attachment I had to Adrian. I asked Julian, “His wedding is the day after tomorrow. He probably won’t want to see me there. Would you mind giving him this for me?” The document transferring my shares and trust interests was the second wedding gift I had prepared. Julian solemnly agreed. After thanking him, I returned to the Blackwood estate’s guest wing. I packed the few belongings I had left. All I wanted now was to see Adrian one last time. But he was too busy preparing for the wedding with Vanessa and taking their wedding portraits. When their wedding photographs were hung in the house, I was coughing so hard I thought I would cough up a lung. The noise naturally drew Adrian’s attention. Panicking, I shoved a handful of cough pills into my mouth. But the instant he opened the guest wing’s door, I coughed up a mouthful of blood. White pills scattered across the floor, mixed with red. My heart lurched, and my face went pale. When I was first diagnosed with lung cancer, I had imagined countless times how Adrian would react if he found out. But since deciding to go to Iceland, I no longer wanted him to know. He couldn’t cure me, after all. Knowing would only give him another problem. I was desperately trying to think of an explanation. But he curled his lips in a mocking smile. “I thought you’d changed. Turns out you’re still exactly the same. You haven’t learned a thing. You’re still pretending to be sick to get my sympathy.” I froze for a moment, then smiled through the tears in my eyes. “That’s right, Adrian. I just wanted you to come see me.” His expression grew darker. His gaze moved over the thin frame beneath my loose clothes, and he frowned. “Stop saying things like that. I told you we need boundaries. And has this family ever deprived you of anything? Do you really need to make yourself look like this?” He glanced around the guest wing. With most of my personal belongings packed away, it looked much emptier. “And why is it so bare in here? There’s no life in this place.” My heart gave a small, painful twist. I avoided his sharp gaze, my voice hoarse from coughing blood day and night. “I have to move out eventually. Maybe you can use this place for storage.” “Adrian, I hope your wedding goes beautifully tomorrow. I hope you and the woman you love have a happy life together.”His mouth curved in a sneer. “The woman I love? A happy life together?” “That’s what you want to say to me now?” Maybe because I had once cared so much about his moods, I immediately sensed his displeasure. But I still couldn’t understand what I had said wrong. Perhaps my very existence was enough to make him unhappy. If so, he would be much happier after tomorrow. Because this would be the last time he ever saw me. Tomorrow morning, when he left to collect his bride, I would head to the airport and fly to Iceland. I let out a long breath, raised my head, and looked at him earnestly. “Yes, Adrian. I want you to be happy.” His frown deepened. He studied me, as though he had noticed something was wrong. But there was nothing unreasonable about what I had said, and I had kept my expression perfectly composed. “Fine. Behave tomorrow. Don’t upset Vanessa, and maybe you won’t have to move out.” Then he left, giving me no chance to say anything else. The next morning, I got up early and packed the last of my luggage. Thankfully, my mind was unusually clear. I knew exactly what day it was. The day I was leaving. Luxury cars crowded outside the main house. People I normally saw only on the local news had all gathered there. I took my cough medicine before daring to leave the guest wing. As soon as I stepped out, I ran into Adrian in his custom wedding tuxedo. He took one look at me and frowned, his voice full of obvious displeasure. “Why do you still look like you’re going to a funeral?” My heart stung. I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know how to explain that I wouldn’t be attending. He had once loved buying me gowns. Later, when he started avoiding me, he had burned every dress in my closet. The truth was, I didn’t have anything suitable to wear. Fortunately, a voice calling from downstairs saved me. “Mr. Blackwood, it’s almost time. We need to leave!” He pressed his lips together and gave me a long look. In the end, he left me with only one warning. “Be good today. Don’t wander off, and watch what you say.” I murmured a vague response and watched him head downstairs, surrounded by people. Looking at his back, I knew this truly was the last time. I returned to the guest wing and looked at my parents’ photograph on the table. “Mom, Dad, Adrian is getting married today. I saw her for you. Vanessa is beautiful. They look good together…” I touched the frame, my voice catching. “From now on, the three of us… will stay together forever, too.” Standing by the window, I watched Adrian get into the wedding car and leave amid the noise and celebration. When the estate fell quiet again, it felt as though a piece of my heart had been hollowed out. But only for a moment. I gathered myself. Under the servants’ astonished gazes, I held my parents’ photograph against my chest, pulled my suitcase behind me, and got into the car taking me to the airport. On the way there, giant LED screens on department stores and advertisements on taxis played coverage of Adrian and Vanessa’s wedding. I watched quietly, the wind leaving my eyes dry and sore. After I reached the airport, Julian sent me a photo. It was from the ceremony venue. Adrian stood in a black tuxedo, striking and composed. Beside him, Vanessa looked beautiful in her white wedding gown. Julian sent a message: [I’ll give him your gift after the wedding. Lily, I hope your surgery goes well. Wishing you all the best.] Although the picture sent tiny aches through my heart, I let out a long breath. At least the last family member I had in this world had found his happiness. I smiled as I replied: [Thank you, Julian. I hope you find your own happiness soon, too.] After sending it, I turned off my phone. A flight attendant smiled and offered me a small wedding favor box. “Miss, the Blackwood and Sterling families are celebrating their wedding today. They’re giving these out so everyone can share in the occasion.” I paused. So the whole city was celebrating Adrian’s wedding… I thanked her softly, unwrapped a chocolate, and put it in my mouth. It was very sweet. It tasted just like the candy Adrian used to cross half the city to buy for me. Only… this would probably be the last piece. As the plane began to taxi, I looked out at the familiar skyline, took out my phone, and typed a message, deleting and rewriting it. [Adrian, I was immature before. I caused you so much trouble.] [I’m leaving. Please forget about me completely. I hope you’ll always be happy.] After sending it, I took out my old SIM card, gently snapped it in half, and dropped it into the disposal bag. Then I inserted my Icelandic SIM card. “Ladies and gentlemen, our flight to Reykjavík is preparing for takeoff…” As the engines roared and the plane lifted beneath me, I put on my sleep mask. It shut out everything beyond the window and hid the tears slipping down my cheeks. Goodbye, Adrian. Goodbye forever.